Up Against The Mirror

Staring at my reflection until one of us breaks. Hoping for a change. Fearing a tear. Expecting a disappointment. Accepting.

I'm on the fence about mercy. Either it's something that I should try to find in myself and apply to myself while I'm at it, or then it's a bunch of horse shit. I keep having enlightments to support both alternatives in turns. "Ooh, I'm still young and I don't have to be anything yet. The youth is all about losing yourself just so you can start finding yourself, testing and crossing your limits, enjoying your ignorance, making mistakes and being thankful that you had the chance to make them." Those are the even enlightments. The odd ones in between sound more like: "Ooh, are you a moron or just plain dumb? You're too old to not know anything about yourself, to not have anything. You've lived for two whole decades and what the fuck do you have to show for them, huh? Do you really believe that things will change for you? Because why in the hell should they? Ps. You suck."

I don't know which enlightment is the sound of the prosecutor and which of the defender. As if that even matters because the judge is drunk and on crack and the jury is made up of plastic mannequins.

Aren't all you mannequins glad I wrote you another one of my stories? Don't get too excited though, you might crack up.

A song from my Sad Saturday Soundtrack

What is up, they ask

It's one helluva lazy Sunday. Munching on potato chips under the bed sheets. Wondering what the spring of 2013 will bring my way. My prediction about the automn was a total bust, so why go about guessing.

I thought last automn was supposed to be all laid out for me. School, dance training, a roommate, the whole student life - including living on the financial aid from the state. Well, almost none of that happened. I quit school, I lost my state aid, I moved leaving my roommate as a mere soul mate, I work for money and am poor as fuck. And I get to worry about being out of work by the end of the month.

Dance-wise my automn was amazing. Simply incredible. I've been able to dance as much as I've wanted to. I've had the priviledge to get personal guidance from someoen for whom I have the utmost respectto help be the best I can be. I've met awesome people to whom I've become attached very deeply. 

Unfortunately these things come at a price. My body has had to pay for all the hours I've spent at my dance school. So Spring, help me with this, okay?

I'm counting on you Spring. I've made my mistakes for sure, but deep down I'm a good girl. I'll jump high and above, if you'll just catch me? 

This is for all of us: