Release Technique

I had the most amazing moment today. During impro. I let everything go. Just let it go. And  let it all show, whatever the hell you have inside of you. Just let it go. Just let it the fuck go.

I hadn't felt that purity in a while, and I didn't even remember how much I missed it. It's one of the things I live for. Like floating (I know this isn't the most original metaphor so shut it). You work your way up, through movement, and then something happens. You realize you don't care anymore. You realize you don't feel anymore. You realize you don't have to think anymore. You realize what you are and who you are. What you are made of. 

It's the same as crying your heart out. It's the same as laughing your ass off up to the point where your lungs simply can't take it anymore. It's the same as having a strong arm around you and being able to feel another heartbeat. It's the same as lighting a cigarette at a party where everyone's drunk out of their minds and you feel like sitting outside for a moment. Inhaling and exhaling that smoke. Letting go. Lowering your shoulders from your ears, relaxing your muscles, feeling a breeze and forgetting yourself in it. It's all the same. Agreed, the forms of manifestation may vary, and the level of comprehensiveness, sure.

Handing yourself over to gravity. Handing yourself over to another person. Handing yourself over to yourself. Everything. Not giving a rat's ass how it may look like. Giving up the pain or suffering you're carrying with you. Giving up the hopes and dreams that secretly harm you. Giving up the expectations that have taken you as their victim. Just giving up. 

Allowing yourself to break. Allowing yourself to shine. Allowing yourself everything. To infinity and beyond. 

I am not one of those people with a stick up their ass. I am not the one who sits quietly, when others are taking another round. I am not the one who smiles silently and kindly. That just makes me sick. I am one of those people who screw up from time to time, and then some. Before thinking, doing it twice. I am the one who sits on someone's lap just to have a sip of their drink. I am the one who talks too loudly on the phone on the subway.

Still I have a hell of a time of revealing my scars. Still I have never been able to say, "I need you" to another human being. Not even to those who I love. Not even to those who I know love me back.

But in that moment. When I didn't care. When I let everything go. When a huge weight was lifted from me allowing me to move again. In that moment, I was bare. I was vulnerable, easy to hurt. I was happy.        I      was      happy.