From opening night till closing night

Apparently it wasn't over till the directing teacher sings, so even though a diploma performance is usually only a one time thing, we presented our diploma for a second time. Yes, feeling special.

But how was opening night? Perfect. I continue to have stains of slashed wrists, neck pains from lying still in a cold tub on stage for 10 minutes while waiting for the audience to find seats for their behinds, and the wonderful feeling of emptiness after we had taken our bows. Everything went roughly according to plan, and being on stage felt right. During my first solo something hit me. No, it wasn't a shoe or glass bottle thrown from the audience, but is was a feeling. A strong feeling of belongingness. It wasn't just me, I mean it was barely me at all. It was my character, the stage, people looking, staring at me. Even though the sudden tears in my eyes blurred my view, my mind was clear and I felt like I had found my place. In dance, in movement, near people, touching people, colliding into people both physically and mentally. Specifically on stage? Perhaps that too, but that wasn't the most important thing to me. I got to do what I love, and in the end of the day that's what counts.

In addition to that, I wanted to touch the audience and in that we succeeded. Our eyes weren't the only ones drowning in H2O. We managed to stop the audience for a while, all eyes on us, and we got through to them. What we did was affective, and brave. This isn't only my imperial verdict but also the assessors'. They were taken with our work as a whole and to quote one of the evaluators: "You have the acting bug within you." I don't think it can get much better than that.

Opening night was about a week ago, and the second performance alias closing night was a few days ago. Now, this didn't feel as right. Our opening scene was my character lying in the tub wrists slashed open, and the other character sitting in a chair, staring into the distance with empty eyes. On opening night this succeeded, but for the second time it didn't. The audience came in as they pleased, and we weren't ready. 15 minutes before the start our actors were missing, the stage wasn't ready, the props were missing and we were running around like little kids on Riddlin. We rushed on stage, the show begun and our characters were left on backstage and unfortunately they came on stage only half the way. No, it wasn't the worst thing since High School Musical on Stage, it was still good and we shocked and mentally harassed people and made them cry (which has diabolically been our goal all along) but we weren't as deep in our characters as before, and that has its effect, for sure.

We still have our assessments to write, but this project is more or less coming to its end.

This is it, for now.

This Is It

Today's the day. It's showtime. Finally/Already? After going through the great depression, I'm feeling confident. This is our time to shine, be in the spotlight. We've worked hard for this and this is where it all adds up to. This is the culmination point, this night right here. This has given me a lot, and tonight. It's payday again. Probably the final payday of this production. Because when it comes to diplomas, opening night is final night. One show, one shot.

On the other hand, I feel that art, dance, theater shouldn't be about that one culmination point. Art is never ready, the work, the progress, the practice, the performances. You (try to/should) give everything every single time. Whether it's doing pliés in class or reading lines or doing impro or singing for a crowd. It's all everything.

So is this it, really? Everything comes to an end, and maybe this has come to its end. But no one is throwing a farewell party, there's no funeral in sight. We've had a good share of what we've done, and today we can give the audience a chance to find something in what we've done, too.

My motivation greatly consists of
1) Me. I do this for me, for myself. I live off this stuff. Hint: I'm writing this obnoxiously egocentric buffed-up blog.
2) Working together on this with my closest friend has been great to say the least. 'Nuff said.
3) Giving the audience something. Anything. Be it frustration, nausea, distress, tears, laughter, sympathy, admiration, new thoughts. Anything. To be able to touch someone with something you love to do? That would just be the coolest thing in the world.

Wish me luck. Although I'm fine the way I am. This is great.

Nollasta pollaan

Eilinen ahdistus, järkyttävä. Erittäin perseestä. Istuttiin esityssalin ulkopuolella puolisen tuntia illalla diplomityön toisen puolen kanssa, ja helvetin kokoinen katulakaisija oli työntänyt taiteilijasielumme rännin läpi viemäriin lojumaan. Silloin ei ollut väliä osasimmeko me näytellä, tai miten eläydyimme, vaan silloin olimme epätoivoisia epävarmoja epäuskoisia ohjaajia. Käsis oli paska, kohtaukset kusivat, sidosteisuudesta ei ollut tietoakaan ja ja ja mikään ei yksinkertaisesti toiminut. Miten voisimme edes kuvitella pystyvämme näyttelemään, kun ohjaus oli olematon? Mitä väliä sillä muutenkaan olisi? Siinä vaiheessa kaikki oli jo erittäin mennyttä, eikä millekään voinut mitään. Tekisimme me mitä tahansa niin heittäisimme aliarvoista paskaa yleisön silmiin. Ohjaaja-minä ahdisteli näyttelijä-minää ja toisinpäin, kaikki oli sekaisin, ja fiilis on lannistunut, pettynyt, toivoton ja jokseenkin tyhjä.

Tänään taas ai helvetti kun meni hyvin. Valojen tsekkailu aloitettiin jo pari päivää sitten, mutta tänään ne saatiin oikeasti toimimaan. Biisit, ääniefektit ja heijastukset saatiin ajoitettua. Tekniikka täytti salin, lavan ja meidät. Siinä vaiheessa kun vika biisi alkoi soimaan viimeisen vuorosanani kohdalla, niin epäammattimaisesti voin bilettää sitä tosiasiaa että minä itkin lavalla roolissani. Se oli hieno hetki. Kun sanat vaan virtaavat ulos suusta, hyvä että huomasin puhuvani. Oli vain fiilis. En kertonut tarinaa, vaan hukuin fiilikseen. Vitun siistiä. Tanssiessa fiilikseen pääsee hieman herkemmin, minä ainakin, mutta näytellessäkin se on vaan helvetin ainutlaatuista. Suoraan sanottuna ÖKDSMVZÖOWEIHVLZISVS. Enhän mä koskaan voi luopua sellaisesta. On kai uskomattoman onnekasta että olen löytänyt jonkun asian joka sytyttää näin perinpohjaisesti. Ai että kun olen nyt niin tällainen.

Huomenna on THE DAY. Me ollaan lavalla. Vaan me. All eyes on us, all eyes on me, siitähän kaikki oikeasti alkoi. Hyvät treenit auttoivat ahdistuksen lieventamisessä, mutta rauhan löytämiseen liittyi ihan oma ajatuskin. Haluan pysäyttää yleisön hetkeksi katsomaan. Siinä me onnistumme. Ja jos jonkun päässä liikahtaa pieninkin ajatus, jos joku saa siitä jotainmitätahansa irti, jos se koskettaa millään tavalla, niin se olisi vain hienoin juttu ikinä. Ja tietysti itse saa olla lavalla ja tanssia, näytellä, elää, hengittää, tehdä sitä mistä oikeasti aidosti juuri tällä hetkellä nauttii. Jeah

Peace of Mind

Today I realized how theoretical one of my routines was -> very. I had the choreography in my head, between my ears, behind my eyes and in my mind but when I finally had the proper space to try it out, it didn't work. It didn't feel right, it wasn't what I wanted, it stunk and it had to be run over. So with some impro to the song, Heavy In Your Arms, a new routine was made. To be quite honest, I guess I got a bit carried away with the "I need to show everyone what I can do, all the pirouettes and jumps have to be in the routine" type of idea. I don't have to prove anything. I can just. Breathe.

The opening night is in one two three four five days. Five days, and I just redid my routine. Luckily the final scene in the production is the impro duet. When we reach Peace of Mind, we have already won. Hey there baby, we'll be fine I'll always want your peace of mind. I'll always look forward to better days ahead. The lyrics are perfect, the song is perfect. I intend to suck it all in, live it to the fullest. Sounds like a plan to me. 

Stupid titles, as if we're supposed to sum things up

Badabim badaboom new year, new everything. Whoop-di-doo. I'm not sure whether I'm using sarcasm or not.

Blood and bruises, and we all know what that means. Yup, 10 points, correctomundo, you're exactly right, this year's dance training has officially begun. After accidentally walking in the wrong classroom, my teacher cheered when I found my way to the right class. Like going home. It's good to be home. When life throws curveballs at you from every fucking angle there is, it's nice to have at least one home. And now I (again) found mine.

The opening night of our theater production is in less than i week. I'm torn between losing my mind and being remotely okay with it. There is a lot to do, and in the real world (the one where I have unwanted responsibilities and compulsions) projects and tasks and frankly everything will suffer. But if that isn't important to me, who gives a shit? I'm beginning not to. I'm actually battling with giving myself the permission to be aloof, careless and, well, detached, really.

I guess everyone has the permission to find their home. I guess home is the place where you've been the happiest. To me it's wherever where there's room to feel. To live to the fullest. To live in the moment. And other very poetic metaphors and thoughts. Hurrah for the artistic poet within me. So proud.

Oh right, Stars. They happen to be, umm, awesome.